Understanding Fear, Obligation, and Guilt (FOG): Why It Controls You and How to Break Free
Fear, obligation and guilt can happen more than you think , and there are many terms or examples to describe this, and what had led to it
Are you able to overcome it?
yes, there is a possibility, if you are reading this post.
In this post
in this post, I will be sharing with you the link between fear,
obligation and guilt and how they relate to each other
This will be by providing you the meaning of the terms individually and collectively,
how and why they come about, the reasons which contribute to carrying fear, obligation and guilt,
the whole meaning of fear, obligation and guilt, how to overcome fear obligation and guilt,
what it means to break free from fear, obligation and guilt and how to do this (summarising for understanding on overcoming FOG),
I will also provide a short summary, and also a recommendation of my work book, to work through, is in the end of this post
Fear, obligation and guilt is commonly known as FOG (the acronym) which will be referenced in this post
What is the meaning of Fear, Obligation and Guilt
- Fear is defined as a feeling where you feel scared about something, it can be anything for example a person, or a situation.
- Obligation means you have to be involved in something or a situation whether you want to or not
- in reference to this post: I also explained in this post why do some people carry so much guilt? Guilt is defined as the need to take action for something or for someone in the present moment in order to not feel a strong feeling of regret or harm.
FOG fear obligation guilt
In relation to this post, to have fear, obligation and guilt, there has to be an involvement
with someone or something either in the present or in the past which has made you feel that way
Fear, obligation and guilt combined means if you do not take action about something or for someone,
you feel you will face the worst consequence, the action involved is your duty, because
of this you are likely to be afraid of what will happen if you do not do anything.
You likely think of the worst scenario and feel there will be harm involved, if you do not take action.
This is a guide which will show you examples of FOG Fear Obligation, a guilt test in relation to FOG, what to do and your connection:
How may have this started? Different scenarios
Fear, obligation and guilt can be in the present moment or might have gone on in the past, you started having this feeling because this was a way of safety and accountability
Possible scenarios:
- In the past you may have felt vulnerable in the past, especially as a child, when someone treated you as if you were not good enough or had no value or
- Earlier in your life you might have felt ignored, and when you tried to defend yourself, there were others who did not listen or treated you unfairly.
- or you weren’t able to protect yourself, as others attacked or overwhelmed you, and you did not understand why it was happening.
To summarise there was a target, this is how fear, obligation and guilt starts, but a target in reality doesn’t mean anything
it might have meant something in the past, but in true cases, it doesn’t.
What Fear, Obligation And Guilt Can be compared to
FOG is most often a learnt behaviour, the person causing this finds an advantage
Fear, obligation and guilt can be compared to a hot stove, someone constantly
tells you not to touch it, but you do it anyway, and now its hurt you
now you’ve learnt not to respond that way again
A hurtful experience makes you learn what to do or not to do to protect your own self
Clear reasons contributing to fear, obligation and guilt
FOG can start from a very young age or at a stage in your life when
you are not aware of certain things happening. As humans I can admit to say, we do not know everything, and
everything and every day is a journey to learn about something
The reasons contributing to FOG are:
1)
You may have lived with a family who picked on you constantly or regularly but also expected you to have
a responsibility for a task or a situation, for example you might have had younger or older siblings,
you were expected to look after , if you didn’t you will be punished, this could be even physical punishment
or forced to stay alone for a period of time, this can make you angry and you feel this fear obligation and guilt to protect yourself
2)
From a difficult family life, you may have gone in school, with people pleasing behaviour as you learnt
you were not good enough, and from then on, you expect people to disregard you,
and it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy, now you are drawn to relationships in
which people expect things from you and if you do not not do a certain things they act very strongly
3)
You may not have fitted well in school or even the teachers who you felt did not understand you
4)
You may have had neglect and seek for approval and met with people in the area,
or in a social environment for example a church who tried to make you feel guilt because they saw a vulnerability
5)
You might have been in a relationship or friendship with someone who you thought
was a good person but instead they only wanted a relationship to be controlling towards
you and they guilt trip you and constantly make you feel you are wrong
6)
The people around you might have played games with you or told you , you have a responsibility
and if you don’t keep to it, you will face serious consequences, for example joining a gang or a community etc.
7)
You attended church or any religion institution, where you met with people who you felt
will treat you fairly or they may have treated you without consideration
and you took this with you, because you were treated unfairly without expecting.
8)
With our previous experiences, we can adopt perfectionism or high standards
for how we will behave around people, and if we do not behave this way, we feel we
will not be accepted by God or will not be able to forgive ourselves.
The reasons mentioned
The reasons contribute to FOG which is why owning your truth is important, and I share later in this post how to overcome carrying FOG
Fear obligation and guilt can happen in the work place or any social environment but why?
To have fear obligation and guilt means you have expectations of possible outcomes
and because of this, how you respond or behave can show subconsciously you
feel you will do something wrong or something wrong will happen,
and as a result it makes situations worst in your head
than what it already is
When we have fear, obligation and guilt, we are not fully paying attention to what is happening
we are only waiting for the worst to happen
Is it common for fear , obligation and guilt to happen in the work place?
There are work places which even if you have FOG, the workplace
is still a negative environment regardless, and the main focus
is other people and what they can get out of others
and if you place yourself in the front of it
to seek attention for your own protection, you can be the victim of fear obligation and guilt
Fear, obligation and guilt in the work place is not normal, it causes you to be in a state of panic and this is not helpful for your mental heath
Why Do Some People Intentionally Use Fear, Obligation, and Guilt?
Using fear, obligation and guilt is a controlling technique. Someone trying to intentionally make you feel this way
is for an advantage for them, and this is so that you will do what they say
It can lower your self-esteem and make the other person feel superior to you.
It can feel like a never ending cycle, and you have to cut the cord with the person connected that is making you feel this way
When we are younger, we can be in situations we are unable to control which contribute to FOG, and as we get older
we might come across people who want to use fear, obligation and guilt against us, because
of what others think or assume we choose to tolerate or they are looking for someone to control
The truth is, it is possible to remove yourself from people who want to use you for their own benefit
in reality it is not normal for someone to treat you this way, but you might expect people to treat you a certain way based on past experiences,
the benefit we have is we will always have control of how we respond.
Where the term Fear, Obligation And Guilt Originated From
In a controlling relationship
Are you in a controlling relationship? This is what explains fear, obligation and guilt
This is because if someone is intentionally trying to make you feel afraid and you need to do something or else, it means they want you to do what they say
and if you don’t do something, they will be angry and treat you unfairly, this is not normal
I advise to make the decision to leave the relationship causing FOG for your own mental health
If the relationship you are in is harmful or you think it is and the situation has affected you negatively, making you feel vulnerable I will recommend to
speak to the authorities or/and find a way to leave silently and gradually remove the connection
Emotional blackmail
When you feel vulnerable, people can see this as an opportunity to cause FOG fear obligation and guilt
and it can be hard to get rid of the contact of emotional blackmail, I advise to speak to the authorities in confidence
as comparing to the situation, it can be against the law, silently remove the connection and also document everything that is happening
I understand it might not be easy to do this, but it is always possible
What Is Fear of Obligation And Guilt
The fear of obligation and guilt occurs when you feel anxious about meeting
other people’s expectations and experience guilt when you believe you have failed to fulfil them.
Fear, obligation and guilt as a controlling technique and what is the reality
FOG is a controlling technique, and I think this is how you should refer it as, because
in reality it is not normal for someone to try to make you feel afraid of not doing something
It is not your duty to be responsible of someone unless they are someone who you have to take care of for example your children
and even with children, you will be able to know if you are being controlled or if you are doing what is important to you.
What is important to you and what benefits you?
Sometimes being in situations where people are trying to control you, it is because they think you have no defences and this is why
they try to control you or in other words, make you feel Fear, obligation and guilt
Realistically you have defences, but you might just not be aware of it
You can speak to someone and report this if needed
and also distance yourself from the person
Boundaries are important, making sure you share information to help you and not the other
person to understand you is important and can also get rid of the need for someone to be controlling
FOG creates a fight or flight response
Fear, obligation, and guilt act like a fight-or-flight response in the body,
you can feel the need to either take action or to shut down until a situation passes
This is not helpful for your mental health or wellbeing because even at rest,
you will feel like you are in danger, when you are not
This is why if any relationship or environment, is making you feel that way, I advise you to leave for your own peace.
(How To Overcome Fear, Obligation And Guilt) A method in overcoming fear, obligation and guilt
There is often communication at first that causes fear, obligation and guilt. What is important is knowing you have full control
and you are able to create a safe space for yourself
The reason why we have fear, obligation and guilt is either because we feel we have no choice, or we are choosing to be in situations or
have relationships with people who truly do not value us.
A method in overcoming fear, obligation and guilt is saying no to relationships that are intentionally expecting things from you with nothing in return
and also importantly distance yourself from the person.
I used to think of myself in an outside perspective, for example if I treated the person who is making me feel this way the same way
how will they feel ? I have tried to put this to the test and it is unfortunate but some people get angry when you treat them how they treated you
in reality, you are human just like everyone else and also a adult and you are free to make your own choices and have your own responsibilities
You can choose who you want to have relationships or involvements with and who you want to have nothing to do with
Action
Say no if someone is making you feel FOG (fear, obligation and guilt)
My advice is to distance and try to remove yourself from the relationship making you feel this way
The person might love to make you feel that way but it is
jeopardising your mental health which is hurting you in the process
I also advise now to try showing compassion to yourself
do you truly deserve this and why, if you say yes, ask does the other
person deserve this and why, this can give you the answers
if you do not like feeling this way, then that is your answer
Your values and what you stand for is important and eventually will be taken seriously
You are safe, always remember, you can take yourself out of the situation if you wanted to
it might take some time, but what will always be important is you have chosen yourself
What It Means To Break Free From Fear, Obligation And Guilt
Breaking free from fear, obligation and guilt means understanding you have claimed a role in your head even if you do not agree with it,
the role has made you place expectations others will have from you
- Understand the reality- Look at your relationships or those you are in communication with and ask do those relationships expect from you with nothing in return? ,
in realistic cases those who expect from you with nothing to offer do not have any right or there are no clear reasons.
The fact is Fear, obligation and guilt is to serve the other person, but is this helping your mental health in the process?
If you were to do the same thing, how do you feel it will make them feel?
because your feelings will tell you, normally you will feel angry if you did the same thing as you know this is not right and you know this is how the person will feel
What is important in Breaking free
What is important as mentioned is : saying no to responsibilities that you do not agree with (set boundaries)
are you serving the person or are you serving yourself, take priority of your own choices and your responsibilities, if this
means writing a list, I advise of this. Also distance yourself from the person and make sure you remove all connection, this
can be involved by speaking to the authorities in confidence.
I have a post which is titled How to move on- How to connect the connection with someone
which can help you with taking steps to remove connection
What to remember about breaking free from fear, obligation and guilt
What to remember about breaking free from FOG is when you are breaking free from fear, obligation and guilt, you are removing attachments from something or someone who
you feel is pinning you down or keeping you on edge, this is very important, I advise to take priority of your mental health as it’s priceless
Break free by letting yourself be free
Previous posts
why do some people carry guilt which provides more information on the reasons for guilt
I also recommend my post on How to overcome a victim mindset if you feel like a victim all the time
it teaches you the fact that you are able to take your own power back, you don’t always have to be a victim
Summary
FOG (Fear, obligation and guilt) is a learnt behaviour and it stays with you as this is a way of feeling safe
You started to feel this way when you felt there was no choice and it was also a time when you sought for approval
But now as an adult, remember you have the opportunity to make choices and build compassion for yourself
You can choose who to engage with or not, and allow your choices and time to remove yourself from unhealthy
relationships as your mental health is important
This is a workbook I created which I recommend which provides you a step by step process for processing guilt, the purpose is to help with your thought process, I hope it helps: Click here for more information